why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
