Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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