hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
