WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
