fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
