Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
