I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
