Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
