I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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