i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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