I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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