woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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