my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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