Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
