Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
