he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
