So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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