Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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