I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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