My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just cropdusted the office
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
