Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
