omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
