my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
