The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
