Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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