I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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