I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
