just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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