before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
