my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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