I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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