Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
