The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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