What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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