i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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