Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
