tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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