Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
