I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
