Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
