I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
