Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
