after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
