FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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