1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
