He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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