There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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