I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
