What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
