there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
