Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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