I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
