I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
