How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
