I slept with him to see his dog one last time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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