Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
