i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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