i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
